The book in question is Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones.
How's that for a bargain? (The book only advertises one.) Yuck. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. I feel like my own writing might have been permanently damaged by reading this book… like a couple of… ferocious… olives? When a character is confused, they laugh and cry at the same time. As you might guess, there is a lot of laughing and crying in this book. It seems that Sebold’s characters do one of two things: they laugh (which means they are happy) or cry (to butter their toast, somehow, when they are sad).
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Not even the serial killer or the mother whose daughter was murdered. Her characters never have interesting or complex thoughts. It’s not that I don’t want to write spoilers here, it’s that I can’t even explain to you what happened at the end of the book. She is just plain bold when it comes to doing whatever she feels like, and she feels like doing the weirdest stuff ever. I read the last thirty pages on the train this morning, and couldn’t stop a few outbursts: “Oh, no she didn’t!” I’d say, talking to Alice Sebold and her crazy ways. Since there’s no plot, the ending is just a bunch of weird stuff happening. Things change, and things often do, but there is no forward movement and certainly no building of suspense.
The characters get older and keep bumping into each other. But what do the characters want? What drives the story forward? Nothing. A girl dies and watches her family from heaven. Sebold has the same problem: her book is a really long situation. I’ll never forget my first workshop with Brady Udall, in which he threw my story onto the table and said, “This isn’t a story, Sarah, it’s a situation.” And as much as I despaired when I got home, he was right. You know, that thing that books are supposed to have. I’ve read MadLibs that make more sense than that. She asked for coffee and toast in a restaurant and buttered it with her tears.” Really? She buttered the coffee and toast with her tears? Or this one, this time about someone’s heart: “Her heart, like a recipe, was reduced.” What the hell?Īnd here’s my favorite eye description in the book: “Her pupils dilated, pulsing in and out like small, ferocious olives.” That’s right. Don’t believe me? Try this sentence: “Her eyes were like flint and flower petals.” Or this one: “The tears came like a small relentless army approaching the front lines of her eyes. A tell-tale way to spot a weak writer? They can’t stop weirdly describing people’s eyes. From bad description to horrible grammar to utterly confusing metaphors, Sebold covered it all. It is filled with some of the worst sentence-level writing that I have ever encountered. Here are some of my gripes, problems and issues that we can hopefully use to prevent something like this from ever happening again to us, our children, or our children’s children: If it serves any use at all, it might be a perfect guide on how not to write a book. How could this have ever possibly been popular? Is it for the same reason that the song “My Humps” hit number one? I mean, I don’t technically believe in burning books, but this novel really got me thinking. It is truly a black, black tragedy that the words in this book were placed in that particular order, published, and distributed. If it serves any use at The Lovely Bones has got to be the most baffling, poorly written, jaw-droppingly bad book that I have ever set my eyes on. The Lovely Bones has got to be the most baffling, poorly written, jaw-droppingly bad book that I have ever set my eyes on. I was glad that the sister found happiness and that her long-time boyfriend was such a stand-up guy. I really wanted justice/validation for the dad and dog, as they knew he was guilty, but couldn't prove it. Yes, the killer dies, but the strain of what he did to that family nearly tore them apart. It also bothered me that the family never really got justice/closure. I almost stopped reading the book after that. It bothered me that she borrowed her friend's body to have sex with her crush. I have a 10 1/2 year old lab mix and held her and cried while reading that part. I bawled when her dog found her in heaven. As a mom, it was hard for me to read how the mom abandoned the family. It was a little bit of a tough read for me.
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